Suna's blog

This is the end of the road

It's sad to see such a beautifully designed site go down, but even I didn't use it much. My layout here is wonderful, so I'll have to screenshot them.

Thanks for being an outlet for me during that terrible year, Vox.

QotD: World's Best Beer

What is the best beer on planet Earth? 
Submitted by Remmy Van Hornie.

I don't drink beer. >[

HEY VOX. OSHIT, YES I'M ALIVE.

not that it matters anyhow. Life is as mundane as usual :3

Ah feels so nice..

I'm FREE!

no... you shouldn't ask. ^^ It wouldn't make sense anyway. This is one of those.. inner things. One of those things people try to define as a way to feel as if they belong, but I don't want to define it.. I want it to stay just there and to keep making me feel warm and fuzzy.

Though sometimes it leaves and that just really irks me, y'know? Well. hah. you wouldn't know. One of those things. Like the colors only you see in the twilit Floridian sky. Private colors, private moments.. feelings so exclusive they seem private. Until you define them. Which you shouldn't. hell "free" isn't even the term for it. It was the act of the proclamation which was it. Now I'm just not making sense for the fun of it.

But it is fun, isn't it?

I wish I were like Luna Lovegood. And I just realized that whoever doesn't know who that is shouldn't be worth my time, my shoes, my eyes, my thoughts or my breath. Luna is love, good love, good love. Ah~ Now doesn't that feel FANTASTIC?! 8D

Planned

I finally constructed a sort of plan that I want for my life.. Now for the courage to put it into action.

 

 *sigh*...

 

*john cena themesong*

Doing this because...

Apparently "I never want to think about you two again, you were never important to either of us" really means "I'm going to harass you via text messages and continue making dumb-ass self centered accusations like a little shit" and I just wasn't notified of it. So I'm going to clear some things up, then maybe you guys can go along with your little lives and truly get over it.

 

I've received a lovely text message recently. It reads:

"Fuck you both.  Youre both so wrapped up in your own feelings that you just ignored the fact that she didnt mean to hurt anyone.  She didnt lead anyone on.  You ignored the truth and felt whatever you wanted to.  All Ayleen wanted was a friend who would be there for her.  Not another girl.  Not someone whod walk away when they realized they didnt have a chance at getting into her pants.  And neither of you could do that.  You deserve eachother."

 

Things need to be explained. People like to make assumptions and get things in their heads and not ask for explanations. Well people need to realize they're wrong. They don't know the world truly, they can't assume that everyone is the same, and sometimes things other than pre-written stereotypical dramatic lines need to be said.

 

The way things transpired were as such:

>> Before Florida, johanna gave me a "true talk" about her feelings towards what she thought were my feelings

>> After being in Florida, Ayleen played her game of "oh my god you haate me"

>> I couldn't give her the attention she needed to play the game, since I'm on vacation in Florida and facing my own problems. On top of this, I'm plagued by the unsettling talk I recently had with Johanna. Not wanting to cause a scene I keep this in, probably alienating myself from Ayleen without noticing.

>> Ayleen IMs me. I decide to come out and tell her what was really botheirng me, and finally I'm trusted with the information that her and Johanna are going out.

>> I get up to gather my things since I was getting picked up by my father (It was late at night). Martin sits at his computer and finally begins letting out his feelings.

>> I'm bombarded by text messages, some of which I'm forced to give to Martin to respond to. Angry entries all over the internet telling me to fuck off for no reason, and stupid accusations fly even though I have said nothing.

 

Notice here, the fact that things blew up, and I wasn't even given the chance to say ONE THING. I'm assuming here that Martin's words were taken to be my own, which would be hypocritical considering everything that was being said back to Martin was that two people are not the same and don't share the same ideas. What Martin said was a cause of something that had been bothering him for a long time, and he decided to blow up at the wrong time. What I said was-- wait. I said nothing. I said "okay". I never said anything negative or anything to imply what I've been accused of.  

 

My feelings were hurt. They were hurt because I'd been lied to. I'd had something kept from me, when I was repeatedly told that nothing was secret, that everything was open book. I'd been deceived, pulled into your little games and toyed with, forced to admit to something under circumstances that didn't allow for it to be really discussed. I was double teamed, tricked into thinking that you two would actually expand your little world to include me. I trusted you as friends, answered all your questions, got nothing in return and was only abused. I was put second repeatedly, never understanding fully why, then turn around and get reprimanded for putting my first person first. None of this was ever admitted, then finally it was exposed. Except not to me, no no I'm not special enough to be told over the phone or even on the internet. It was alluded to in one line of one entry on vox, a place I did not have time to go to since my arrival in Florida. This is why I was hurt, not that I ever got a chance to express that. 

You'd have to be pretty damn arrogant and self-centered to think that I'm such a horny bitch that I would get upset at this news for reasons that were purely sexual. Not only does this tell me you didn't listen to me when questions about my sexuality arose, but it shows that you value your own attraction level over what you know is the truth. What stands is that not even Martin has gotten some of me, I was honest enough to divulge that and honest enough to express to you my feelings of borderline asexuality.

I did not want to get into Ayleen's pants. I did not see any instance when I walked away on her just because I couldn't get sex. I was the one who didn't want sex. Hell, you people are the ones who talked about sex incessantly; Jokes, games, seriousness, every aspect of your lives revolved around the sexuality of humans, molestations, getting close, physicality. I grew to accept this, even with discomfort, but I never ONCE willingly offered or tried to seriously pursue any sort of serious relationship with anyone. This would be downright stupid. Does the name Martin ring any bells? As I said the only explanation for this is arrogance, a pitiful way of making yourselves feel better about something, making up reasons you see on television because you're incapable of opening your eyes to the truth.

 

To tell you the truth you two were pretty good friends to me, it hurts to see this is what you turn into. 

Johanna, you and I had some amazing times together. From that first day in Target, to all the afterschool lunches after that. Don't you remember those times in economics, where we'd have talks to Ms. Hawthron and she'd divulge her true feelings for the class. Having talks while missing countless 1 trains, talking about ourselves and getting me to feel social. I enjoy having you as a friend, and to be what you accused, some sick dual-intentioned person, would mean that I would have to hate you somewhere too. That time we missed our stop taking simone home, and ended up talking the whole way anyway. Or riding in the trains to Wholefoods and buying bean empanadas. You were someone I could actually talk to. One of the only people to hear my side of the story with a certain past person, what I felt and how it affected me. You were the only person I felt I could really do improv with, we could go on for hours and hours with various hilarious skits, creating crazy lives worthy of being on jerry springer. Our jokes could go on, you laughing at my imitations and me laughing at your crazy schemes. I remember Vegeteble's Burger and the veggie rap we had after. Or the laying in the locker room playing around with chalk. We went into unneccesary detail over art sculptures, and I was looking forward to interpreting things at an art museum one day maybe. Helping you learn how to skate one day, missing more trains for the sake of conversation. I enjoyed those times, I just want to make that clear.

 

And Ayleen, you were an equally amazing friend. When we first started talking on AIM, those were some of the deepest conversations I'd ever had with a person. I was shocked I could actually divulge some of my thoughts like that, and get superior responses. You're a smart one, and those talks really did a lot for me. Any time I'd get depressed I could just emo it out online while you shared your own story. Or I could interpret one of your recent stories and get all kinds of things from it. I was amazed you even started talking to me, because to me, all I was was a depressed heap of loner. Over the phone we'd talk too, where I admitted about certain person from the past and where I learned about you and your life. On Gaia that first night we had fun with the stupid hide n' seek game that I spent 20 minutes looking on and the puzzles and everything. And I introduced you to vox, this medium you've now taken to use against me. We were friends, and although somewhere deep down I always expected to get hurt, I didn't really think it'd be so soon, or so willing on your part to get rid of me. But we shared knowledge that we both knew how we saw life. I even tried to assimilate you into the other part of who I was, the part that had nothing to do with sex. I loaned you my personal copy of Kingdom Hearts, offered to download from episodes of Bleach for you to watch. Offered to show you what is left of my sign language. Discussed some of my views on the culture of anime and tried to tell you whenever any stupid certain person drama flaired up.  Most of these didn't go too far, but I did make an effort to go beyond sexual and personal and introduce interests in our relationship.

 

The problem lay with your conjuction. You shut the entire world out when you two are together, when you laugh it must be your laugh and your laugh alone. when you fight it must be your fight and your fight alone. Anyone else who is around is forgotten, Simone abandoned, Imani left to her homework or other equally strange task. You shut everything and everyone out, which is something I can't get accustomed to. In my head, you are both such great people that bringing you both together should bring joy, it should be the happiest type of gathering. Instead it brings out the ugly, and ugly is not something I appreciate. I see the insane intense jealousy in Johanna that is there for no reason other than to be there. I see the inane annoying acts of Ayleen to get attention from Johanna, which eventually turns into another fight we must all burden ourselves to listen to. I turn into the enemy, for no reason other than I exist. I understand jealousy, I deal with Martin every day, however this type of action isn't healthy, and it always made me uncomfortable. Of course, afterwards it hurt more because I knew it wasn't just jealousy of friendship, but no one had the balls to tell me what it really was. "Keeping it on the downlow" is bullshit, who else am I going to tell? My 50 other friends you guys don't know about? Not only was I not told but I was treated as if I should have known (of course during those times when I wasn't being tricked into saying things I wouldn't have said had I known) glared at if I was given so much as an ounce of attention, turned into the horrible enemy.

 

Thing is, I don't like being told I'm disliked by a part of you. Part of someone eventually becomes a whole, as is demonstrated by the quick way you two cut me off from your lives because of.. silence?  It makes me uncomfortable, and it tells me that somewhere within you you hate me. And I don't like being put second and not even acknowledged. I would understand if I were just told, but instead it's laughed off or shrugged off and in return I get the brunt when I try to do the same. You two were great friends of mine, but what stands is that your greatest flaw was each other.

 

I'd like to say "woah dat wuz lyk sooo long hope u red it omfg." But I don't feel I should. If you want to know the truth, then read through the whole thing. If you feel as if you can't handle my thoughts, or you don't want to know what happened through my eyes then don't. I won't beg, but at least now I'll know it's out there, and that any further stupiditity will not be on my shoulders at all.

 

Thanks for whatever.

...

Meh, life goes on. Even with misunderstandings and blowing things up, then turning it around and saying you're "sick of drama". sick of drama means not getting involved in drama which means not being feminine and acting like a little girl with secrets and little plots and gossip. which is what happened. sorry to shatter your dreams and everything you thought you knew about yourself.

 

I never said I was a nice person.

The death.

Seems like the interest in vox finally died out.

*sigh*

Cooped up.

It's a sad day when you're getting dressed to go to the supermarket and you do a double take in the mirror because you're not used to seeing yourself in clothing other than your pajamas.

Unexpected turnout

hmm~

Not so bad of an ending as I previously presumed.

mm =]

What it says

Disillusioned. 














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